Why Are Nigerian Men Hooking Up in the United States?

 It was at a birthday party. One of those we had in our University Centre (UC) housing. Nothing big, just with fellow Nigerian students. As per the norm, we drank, played songs and danced. I loved it. The vibe. The atmosphere. Friends who understand the culture. Or so I thought until this happened. Terry looked at me for what would have been the 10^thtime and said, ‘I’m not sure if you feel the way I do but I’ve liked you for a while. I’ve been thinking we can start something. But not a relationship, I just want to have fun.’ 

 

You see, Terry is one of us. The Nigerian students studying in the states. He’s tall, calm, and in retrospect, a good looking guy. Someone that if he had played his cards right, I would have considered a boyfriend material. 

 

Just as I was feeling myself on the dance floor I could feel his eyes roaming all over me. He stared at me with a smirk on his face. To be honest, I liked the attention. But I shrugged it off. I didn’t think it was a big deal until he walked up to me. ‘Hey, Jenny, can you excuse me? I need to speak to you.’ ‘Sure.’ We step outside. He stands in front of me, looks at me in the face, and says. ‘I just want to have fun’. 

I instantly felt sad because I knew what that meant. The word ‘Fun,’ when used in this context implies only one thing. Casual sex! When they say let’s have fun, they mean let’s have a sexual, no-strings-attached relationship. 

I was not alien to this request. It wasn’t the first, nor the last time I had heard this. But I was particularly shocked by this one. The reason is, this is the first time a fellow Nigerian had asked me for this kind of relationship. 

Unlike in Nigeria, where a guy may be interested in only sex but still hide his true intentions, in the US, it is different. They tell you what they want and it’s your choice to agree or walk away. Being straightforward has its pros and cons. For more stories, read My Hookup Experience in Chicago.

 

I’ve had the opportunity to speak with some Nigerian men conforming to the casual sex lifestyle and, these are some reasons they gave. 

 

They hookup because it is the norm. If everybody is doing it, why can’t I do it? 

Why work for it when you can have it for free? By work, I mean ‘date.’. Many men avoid this and try to get ‘sex’ without putting in the work required in a ‘committed relationship.’ It is easy, knowing that some girls will agree to have sex in the states without expecting a committed relationship in return. 

 

Girls are initiating casual sex now. Call it the American lifestyle but, some girls are asking guys for the no strings attached relationship. I guess what a man can do a woman can do as well?  

It’s less stressful. No emotions are attached. A Nigerian guy once told me that having a gf is too much headache. He prefers flings. 

He’s too busy. Another excuse is I work six times a week. I don’t have time to date. 

   I WANT TO MARRY A CITIZEN

 

Terry – ‘You see Jennifer; we are alike so I can’t date you. You can’t give me what I want.’ An American visa? Terry told me he prefers to have flings with me because I couldn’t make him a citizen if we end up getting married. 

 

The ‘I want to marry a citizen’ logic kinda makes sense. But why do this at the expense of someone else’s emotions? 

So can there be anything good about a casual relationship? Yes. It’s good to be upfront about one’s true intentions than to deceive someone and take advantage of that person. And, it’s better to be single than to start a relationship that would make both parties unhappy.

 

But, even if there’s a good side to this, the fact remains that the ‘casual, no-strings-attached relationships, have more negatives than positives. 

 

One of the main negatives is how men approach this kind of relationship. With constant communication. It may be calling, texting, and/or hanging out. Guy’s may give the impression that they are genuinely interested in the babe (not her body). And the girl in question may start developing feelings that will lead to heartbreak once the guy’s true intention is revealed.

Terry starred at me, waiting for an answer. ‘Do you want to fall in love?’ He replied, ‘NO!!!.’ ‘Then I replied, ‘you shouldn’t be having sex.’ He laughs

 

Call me cheesy, but I said what I said. Apart from the stated reasons, casual sex has another major negative. You may fall in love with the guy or girl while having sex with them. You see, the thing about sex is you see the other person very closely, smell, taste, hear and feel them in ways that you haven’t. When the brain gathers this information, it may say a great deal about the other person that would make you like them more.

Stimulation of the genitals drives up the brain’s dopamine (a hormone associated with happiness). Then during orgasm, there’s a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin (chemicals associated with attachment). So sex can make someone fall in love and have a deep attachment to the other person. But the bad thing about this is one of the parties involved may not reciprocate this feeling. Causing heartbreak.

 

Analyzing all the reasons why Nigerian men are hooking up in the US, I believe casual sex is more stressful than it is relieving. Think about it. Five minutes of sexual gratification cannot make up for the emotional rollercoaster involved while trying to maintain a ‘no strings attached’ relationship. You may be like, ‘I haven’t found the one and, I can’t control myself.’ Not true! The bible makes it clear that God won’t give you more than you can handle – 1 Corinthians 10:13. And need I remind you that He is against sex outside marriage. So, until you find the one, keep your pants zipped! Yes, I know it hard, but it’s doable. 

 

 

Thanks for reading my article. For more on dating, check out 10 Things To Know Before Dating A White Guy.