Dating In The US - Are Boys Now Men?

'Still dating dude? Yea. Break up with him. I want to see you.'

I can’t believe it’s been four years since I saw him. And to be honest, a part of me still longed for the what-ifs. What if he didn’t want just sex? What if I agreed and later got the committed relationship I wanted? Smh. I still think of the what-ifs sometimes. But also, what if I went with the flow and it ended badly? What if I ended up catching feelings, and he didn’t reciprocate? To the best of my knowledge, if a man doesn’t want something, HE DOESN’T WANT IT! PERIOD!!! Don’t start thinking you can f*ck him into falling in love with you.

Hmmm, he reaches out and says he wants to date me if I can give him another chance. Truth is, those feelings are long gone. Even if they weren’t, the answer would still be ‘NO.’ Baby girl leveled up. If you are reading this, you are an amazing man, and I believe there is a lucky woman for you out there. She just isn’t me. 

Back to Jason. Is he serious about desiring to be in a relationship with me now, or does he want to chop clean mouth? To try harder because he was rejected? Only he can answer this question. Among many other reasons, Some men love going after women that they can’t easily get. It’s like a challenge for them. An ego thing. He would always remember that Jennifer turned down the hot, sexy 6 ft 10, mixed, gorgeous specimen of a man that he is. And, I am guessing there are only a few of us who has rejected this man who thinks he is God’s gift to the ladies.


What if he is looking for something serious?


Possible and believable! 

No matter how many times people claim they do not want a life partner, I refuse to believe them. The reason is, humans have this need for companionship. While personal experiences and societal norms may have resulted in the decision not to settle. And, fewer people are getting married now as opposed to a few years back, we can’t deny that we all have the general longing to be needed and loved by someone.
Of course, we know that getting married is not a guarantee that the marriage will last. Infidelity is one of the leading causes of an unsuccessful marriage. Around 20% - 40% of marriages end because of a cheating spouse.

 I think it’s sad that the level of infidelity in marriages has increased over the years. Something I find shocking is the level of acceptance towards infidelity, especially among African women. I have had discussions with some who advise me to ignore if I find my spouse cheating. They even predict that he will cheat, and I should be okay with it if I want to save my marriage. Hmmm 

This level of submission is demeaning and sad, to be honest. 

But of course, there are a lot of reasons why most of these women accept to be cheated on. A prevalent one is a financial dependency on the spouse. Some would say, ‘As long as he takes care of me and our kids, he can cheat.’ My question is, why subject yourself to depend so much on him that you have to condone this behavior just because of the financial assistance you can benefit from?

It’s even more disheartening that these men still spend more money on their side chicks than they do their wives and kids. As a woman, why not empower yourself financially so you don’t get treated like property owned by a man? It just makes no sense to me.

Side note to the married brothers, we are begging you please leave us alone! And for the ladies dating married men. I’m referring to you, yes you! you will be served. 

Boys are still boys

A guy I met while I was doing my undergrad. We started talking and hung out a couple of times. Not knowing he was already married with kids. ‘I thought you knew I was married. We can continue seeing each other it doesn’t change anything.’ Yes, it does Ashawo James! It changes everything!

He drives up to my apartment that day to help me see reasons why we should date. I ask him a few questions. ‘Have you ever cheated on your wife?’ “No, never.’ “So what would be the end goal of dating you?’ ‘Well, don’t look at it that way.’ How else am I supposed to look at it?

‘Are you back in Chicago? Let’s meet up. I have finalized the divorce with my wife. When we were talking in 2016, I was already undergoing the divorce process.’ He says. James so this divorce process has taken you four years? You can lie ehn!

Interestingly, James’ younger brother dated my friend and cheated on her with her friend without any of them knowing for a long time. This same homo sapien contacted me about a year later to court me. Smh 

What’s quite funny was that I was telling him about himself before I later figured out he was the same guy. I said, ‘I am scared of dating now. One guy dated my friend and was also dating her friend at the same time.’ Not knowing he was the one lol. Fear some men!

I ended a relationship, and to be honest, being back on the market is not easy! Many of my single friends struggle with this so I think it’s time to properly analyze this issue.

‘Jenny, let me advise you. If you want that long-lasting relationship that would lead to marriage, you have to be willing to open your legs. I guarantee you that 75% of the time, guys here would want to sleep with you before deciding if they want to be with you.’ Said Achi, the special adviser to women on dating affairs.

I am ashamed to admit that even if this may sound like BS, he is right! From observations, Nigerian men dating here in the states become more desirable than they do when they are in Nigeria. Nigerian women, on the other hand, are lowering their standards here more than they do back home. Why is that?


The ‘sex’ problem

Sex has become too accessible for our Naija brothers. Back home, if a guy is courting a lady, he would most likely spend some money and do ‘the chase’ before she agrees. Even if they both agree to engage in friends with benefits relationships or hookups, the guy is still likely to pay for a trip, hotel room, or even buy her dinner. Things are different here.

A guy can walk to the club and get attention from ladies without trying. The girl may approach him and suggest following him home to f*ck. First time meeting, no strings attached, no commitment. It is not surprising that most of these ladies are not Nigerians because we have been brought up with the idea that a girl is “cheap” if she is that easy. Not saying some Nigerian ladies don’t do this, but most of the ones who do are “runs babe (a girl who uses her body in exchange for other kinds of favors - mostly financial).

Our Naija brothers now want us to come here and forget this upbringing and act “American.” They want us to agree to sex the first few times of meeting. And this is a problem!

For the ladies who are into this, do whatever rocks your boat. But for the others who are like me, it’s like we compete with every other girl that gives sex easily. Come on now, why do we have to lay on your beds before you even decide if we are dateable?

I have said it before, and I will say it again. America has a sex-centered culture! It is because of this high level of competition with American girls for our men that most of us are lowering our standards now. Some of us just give in because the streets are empty. It’s very difficult to find a good man that would not tell a woman to open her legs before he decides if she is worth dating. Not even talking about when they are already in a relationship.

‘What is your body count? Ask her this question and whatever answer she gives, multiply it. That’s the real number.’ Says somebody’s senseless son.

Why ask the question tho? I have heard many men in the diaspora say they would prefer to be with a woman who is sexually experienced than a virgin or someone who has had sex but still doesn’t know her way around a bedroom. If this is what you want, why be concerned about how many guys she has slept with? Is this not contradictory?

It’s also interesting how we don’t ask, but you have to ask. Why???? Choose one. Don’t be looking for a virgin in the body of a hoe.

To the men being callous about this sexual demands of sex the first time we meet. Quick question - What will you teach your daughters?

To the ladies passing through this struggle, I feel your pain. Keep being who you are. Don’t compromise your values for any man. If he wants you to do that, he most likely doesn’t want to keep you anyways.




For a similar article, read ‘My Hookup Experience in Chicago.’