The Diary of a Heartbroken Woman - A letter to HIM

 

Sometimes I would stare at you and say to myself, ‘I don’t think I can survive without him.’ I can never imagine life with someone else. Sometimes I would be lost in thoughts. Thinking of how impossible it may seem to have so much love for someone other than oneself. Now it feels like I have lost all that love. If someone had told me this would be my reality, I would have looked at them in disbelief and said, ‘what nonsense are you spitting?!’.

It feels like I am in a bad dream. Can someone please wake me up? This can’t be real. Pleassseeee.

Song of Solomon 8:6 - ‘Set me as a seal upon their heart, as a seal upon their arm; for love is as strong as death.…’ 

When I think back, I wonder. I remember all the times I wronged you. There were a couple of times that I spoke up when I shouldn't have. A couple of times I was upset with you for things that were out of your control. A couple of times I dug up the past. A couple of times I disapproved of certain things you said. Reminded you of what I have done for you. Called you insensitive and callous. Told you that you had to grow intellectually because I was getting bored. I was wrong for that. Not for demanding certain attributes from the man I want to be with, but for demanding them from you. I knew who you were before I agreed to date you. I was wrong for trying to change you. I have learned my lessons. Please forgive me. I thought I was trying to make you better. 

Does this mean I am deserving of what you did to me? No! No one deserves for their hearts to be shattered in a thousand pieces. Especially not one that puts in all her effort to make the relationship work. I wore my heart on my sleeves. I set aside my western knowledge and acted like the fragile, traditional woman that recognizes the dominating role of her African man. I gave you room to lead me. I obeyed you. I submitted. I never demanded anything asides from love and respect. 

Do I possess something? Something that is not befitting of any woman? Sigh. Nothing comes to mind. Or maybe I bring out the worst in you. But you told me that wasn’t the case right? You said I made you a better man. You said your friends and family made comments on how much you’ve changed from the typical playboy who never gave two f**ks about any girl to the lovable man who wanted to be with only one girl. Who for the first time, wanted to be faithful and committed. 

You reassure me that I am not crazy. That I am not the problem. So my question is, why did you make me fall in love with you and then, break my heart?

Why did you make me feel like I don’t deserve love? Like no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t measure up. Measure up to be the ideal woman that her man cherishes. That he supports and makes her feel like a queen. That he loves unconditionally and does everything in his power to ensure she doesn’t cry. That he appreciates everything she does for him and is her strength when she is weak.

I remember when I said yes

I carefully think of my words because I know this would change everything. ‘I’m happy whenever I’m with you. I think I'm in love with you. Yes, I would date you.’ You laugh out in disbelief and say, ‘I promise to make sure you don’t regret this. I will love and cherish you.’ 

Of course, I didn’t think too much of what you said. Actions speak louder. But, deep down I wanted to believe them so bad. I had no other option than to believe because my heart was already yours. I was already carrying you in my spirit and praying for you every time I prayed for myself. 

Never imagined I would feel like my heart is getting ripped off my chest again and again? That I would feel numb. I’m still mad at you. I’m upset because you took away something so special to me - ‘Our love.’ That you are making me mourn. Mourn the death of the love I have loved the most. 

I remember the first time you said you loved me. I was surprised because it was too soon. ‘I love you, Jennifer, be my babe.’ 

I don’t doubt your love. I trust with every fiber of my being that you love me. And, I believe when you said that you would never stop loving me, even if I end up with another man. A part of me feels sorry for you but we both also know that for everything you have put me through, you deserve to lose me.

I was your best friend, your mother, your adviser, your motivator, and your companion. I played too many roles. Looking back now, I shouldn’t have. Not because you are not deserving but because I was losing myself loving you. I cared about you so much that I forgot to care for myself. 

We used to pray together. Remember the last time we fasted for 3 days and you thought you would die? lol. We built our relationships on strong values. God, respect, honesty, and love. It’s unfortunate that the wind blows and scatters our foundation. But I have no regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason. I cherish all our memories. Sometimes I think back and smile. I know you are a good person. For some unknown reason, you just brought me so much pain.

Me

I still cry sometimes. But I know it’s gonna be okay. It’s fine to be vulnerable. Sigh. I miss you. I question myself. What if leaving you was a mistake? What if I tried harder? What if you are destined to be mine? It can be worse right? We could work on the issues we had right? I ask myself those questions but even if I don’t want to acknowledge it, I know the answers are not pleasant.

I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I can be better. And I try every day to be the best version of myself. To be the woman a guy would be lucky to have. To be a blessing. To be a solid rock for my man. Sometimes I fell short, but please don’t judge me. I am human. I make mistakes.

To Him

I still pray for you. I pray you are better. I pray for your dreams to come true. I pray for you to find a woman. A woman who is more suited for you. A woman who understands and loves you unconditionally. I pray she brings out the best in you. A better side than I ever did. But I also pray for you to protect her from your tendency to break hearts. I pray you don’t have to tell her that you never meant to hurt her. I pray for you to protect her from you.

I still love you. I don’t think I can ever change the way I feel about you. I’m mad and frustrated. I want to hate you but, I can’t. You don’t deserve to be hated. You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve peace. Security. Happiness. Fulfillment. It pains me that it is no longer my place to give you all of these. The idea of seeing another woman in your arms torment me. It’s sad. But life goes on. I may have been the love of your life but, as long as there is life, there is hope. I'm sorry for giving up on you. I wish you the best.


Moving on

Not having you around is new and different. I did not just lose a lover, I lost my best friend. I feel a mix of emotions whenever I think of you. Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Frustration. Hopelessness. Resilience. I struggle daily. Each day starts with a different emotion. But I know this is temporary. I will gradually heal and let go. 

There’s no one. Yet. I’m not ready to love again. It’s a vulnerable position I am not willing to put myself in anytime soon. I need a break. A long one. I’m exhausted. But I know there is someone out there for me. And I pray to meet him at God’s timing. I will wait even if it takes me forever. I would never compromise my values again. I would never settle. 

Lessons for you

Love is not enough! Love aside, does this person have all the values you want in a life partner? Are you comfortable with their flaws and weakness? Do they possess something that may be a problem in the future? Consider all these before choosing 'the one.' A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. You may not see the signs from early on. But when you start feeling in your gut that something is wrong, don’t ignore it. Listen to your heart but use your head. Be cautious because love is blind. 

Don’t dig up the past. Let sleeping dogs lie. But if you see a pattern, be wise.

The good we do for strangers, we expect nothing in return. What we do for love, we shouldn’t expect in return. But teach your partners to appreciate and, if they don’t, you have the right to feel hurt. The choice to leave or stay is yours. But never compromise your values because someone didn’t appreciate you. Never stop being a good person. One day, someone else would know your worth. May we all find love 😊.



For a similar, check out Is It Really Worth Taking Your life?


This was a very difficult article to write. Writing is therapeutic to me and healing is a gradual process. Thanks for reading about my pain. Feel free to comment, share and subscribe to the blog to get notifications for when I post new articles. Exciting ones coming up!